Sometimes…

Sometimes I say really sweet things about my husband and kids, because sometimes I really love them beyond reason and because sometimes we have really good moments.

Sometimes I choke back rants and raves because I choose to focus on what I have to be thankful for.

Sometimes people make comments about my life that make me choke. Things like “your kids are so lucky to have you for a mom!” in regards to my children and; “you guys are such a perfect match.” in regards to my marriage. *Ahem*.

Sometimes there are days when I look at my husband with such shock and horror that you would swear I could freeze the blood in his veins.

Sometimes there are moments where one or the other of us says ALL the wrong things, in ALL the wrong ways and the other responds in like manner.

Sometimes we are too proud or stubborn to even recognize how blind and insensitive we are.

Sometimes things get really, really ugly.

The other day in my inbox the following line from Chinobilly Mamma got me thinking;

“It felt good to “air my dirty laundry” for the world to see for some reason. Believe it or not many friends emailed me and confessed they were glad they weren’t the only ones having crazy days. One friend even thought she couldn’t really relate to me because she thought I “had it all together”.

Sometimes I worry that despite my “Blog Reading Essentials” disclaimer at the bottom of the page, people still might get the wrong impression by reading my “sometimes life is really wonderful” thoughts and not getting glimpses into the “sometimes things get really ugly around here” moments. I don’t mean inside my head, or heart, I know I get down and dirty there on a regular basis, I mean… in real life family dynamics.

So. For the record. Just so you know. Sometimes things get really ugly around here. How ugly, you ask? Sometimes THIS ugly.

The other day, I had swept and damp mopped my dining room floor oh, let me see, no less than THREE times. (The dining room is a central room in our house, it gets us coming or going from either the front door or back). We are 6 people in and out of this house all day and we tend to drag in a lot of mess.

Besides that I had washed, hung, folded and put away four loads of laundry, fed my kids twice, cleaned up after them (no dishwasher remember), cleaned out the cat pen in the barn, done a basic tidy of the entire house (that doesn't mean you could TELL by the time 5:00 rolled around) AND washed, changed and exchanged clothes on my littlest guy amongst numerous other things. I had every intention of having supper on the table when Prairie Guy got home as we were planning on skipping out to the city right afterward but due to a drop in visit I was a few minutes late in the supper department. Not terribly mind you, but it wasn’t on the table till 15 minutes after he got home.

Now, I KNOW that we have a 45 minute commute, and I KNOW that the stores close at such and such a time, but 15 minutes in the grand scheme of things didn’t seem to make or break anything in MY head… but to my husband it was problematic. Not only was that problematic but apparently he was more concerned about the grass being cut than the cat pen being cleaned out (even though he had told me the day before he was concerned that the cat pen should be cleaned out)…. and didn’t I care that the dining room floor was so dirty? Oh dear. Cry me a river, DO I CARE THAT THE DINING ROOM FLOOR IS DIRTY???? Yes, as a matter of fact I CARE. I care ALOT. If you must know it is the bane of my miserable matronly existence (can you feel the drama coming on?) Just wait, it gets better.

I keep my cool up to this point. Inform my husband that “yes, actually, I do care, and for the record, we swept and damp mopped it three times today…” His look of disbelief did not help matters, but I just clenched my jaw and blinked madly while clashing lids and wooden spoons around to try to vent my own frustration.

We sit down 15 minutes behind schedule and I look at my baby in his high chair with some leftover food I had given him to keep him occupied. Can’t even remember anymore what it was but he had evidently smushed it all up with his hands and then rubbed it all into his hair and dribbled it all down his front. This is the child that I had bathed and changed just half hour before my husband got home. Now we had added to our delay that I still had to get him cleaned up and changed again, not to mention the other kids were looking a little wilted and worse for the wear as well… have mercy.

That’s just what I needed in that moment. Lots of mercy. And a good heaping dose of grace and someone to comfort and NURTURE me. But what I got was a whole series of “couldn’t you have…?” “Why isn’t….?” “Why didn’t….” and “I wish….”

Honey… believe me when I say that I wish I could keep a clean floor too. I wish my kids weren’t dirty half hour after getting changed. I wish my kids would learn to pick their stuff up without being asked, told, commanded or threatened. I wish, I wish, I wish! But. Sometimes? Sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches. Sometimes you just gotta understand that life is messy and what matters is keeping peace and order in your spirit despite the circumstantial chaos.

And for the record? Sometimes a man who spends the day alone behind a desk really shold think twice about saying to a woman who spends her day picking up after five kids “If it were me, I would….” or "Can I ask you what you did all day?" Sometimes that man should just REALLY be careful about what he says to that poor woman. No disrespect (I can hear the emails coming already) Just sayin’ is all.

Sometimes I lose it. And sometimes I tell my husband I’m losing it and if something doesn’t give I’m going to break And then sometimes he feels really bad and realizes that sometimes even a really strong woman reaches the end of her rope and needs a soft place to fall.

And lastly? Sometimes it’s good to have really ugly moments because it makes one all the more appreciative of the beautiful ones that follow.

for the record this is not a rant, I did not post this in frustration or out of disrespect to my husband, we talked about this episode at length and I have his full blessing to share this story here. No, I am not writing this little addendum in response to a particular email, just as a safeguard against any that may have otherwise been heading my way *grin*.