Okay, I'm gonna be perfectly frank with you. Frank about my momma-hood failures. My friend Chris recently wrote a mother's version of "the things I hate, I end up doing' ala words of Paul in Romans. I can so relate. I won't go into morbid details, suffice it to say I have many character traits that require spiritual honing and polishing. What better way to face the facts than to bare my soul here, in black and white print which has a way of imprinting itself more indelibly on the pages of my mind than mere thoughts which sail fleetingly across my brain like passing clouds.
I am not good (read really bad) at prioritizing and letting things that can wait, wait. Once I know something needs to be done, I want to do it right away. Once I start doing it I want to finish it. If someone else (ahem- my children or husband) would like to converse with me or show me something, or have my undivided attention, I have a very bad habit of saying "just a minute" (it's never a minute), or "not right now", or "I'm busy right now". Okay, there are moments that this is justified. My frustration at having kids bantering at me while I am on the phone is one thing.... definitely not acceptable (I am a business phone-er, if I am on the phone it is *not* to visit, it's definitely taking care of business, very hard to take care of business with kids yattering away at you...)
That said, there are other times (most of the time) that it is not *they* who are behaving unacceptably, but ME. When I am replying to an email for instance, it's something that can and should be put on hold when a real life voice is asking for my attention. And yet, I can sit here, typing away, trying devotedly to answer someones email questions while my eyes glaze over at the questions or remarks coming from my own flesh and blood. Yuck. I like not this visual.
So, that's the problem, now for a solution. Since I have this horrible habit of becoming relationally unplugged when I am electronically plugged in.... I am going to cut the screen out of the scene when my husband and kids are around. I'm going to really structure my breaks at the computer to be only when my kids are having quiet time after lunch, or after they are in bed, or when they are fully occupied and not around. Frankly, this is going to be a big challenge and adjustment for me as our computer is in a central location and I usually visit it quite regularly in passing..... here's to improved relational attentiveness on my part in the upcoming week.
7 comments:
You know, I could easily give up the TV, but the computer is SUCH a time sucker for me. I have had to confess this before too, on my blog. It is so easy to get wrapped up with what is going on in the blogworld, and ignore our own wonderful life that is here. Kuddos to you for seeking to live your life more purposefully! I am enjoying your comments on my blog, as well as reading your blog. This post definitely resonated with me!
Back in the day ...this would be just like "pen pals"..wanna be mine?!
I apprieciate your entry today, as this was what I need to fast from the most during the last 40 days.
I didn't do as well as I set out or intended to do.
But the one thing that stands out to me in all this is "selfish justification" need I say more.
Being unselfish is where it starts so I have to back up and look deeper at the root of the "motherload" this for me is how I was raised. As my mother hoarded all her time away with a book and a lock bedroom door...while the kids (me) did what we could to survive it.
So I say to myself I'm not her and well it could be worse, seeee *Selfish justification*
I would so love to post on this and share others reply however I'm certain a family members feelings would be hurt. As I have since then forgiven her...and understand now why she did what she did..still.
So in short(finally) I'm sure before I can overcome something in an area..I first need to find healing and repent.
Your post has caused me to understand better what I was trying to do..needs to be done, but first I've got to get to the root of the problem.
Thanks for "listening" and taking the time to do so, now go on ...go on now it's your family time!
((cyber Hugs)) to you!
Post more pix soon, as I feel I know you that much better each time!
I too have this problem and get convicted each time I say "in a minute". I cannot find the time to blog everyday and found myself envious that you usually blogged each day. (wonderin' how you had the time). I need to un-plug to find more time to get in God's word...And I think that I will after reading this.... I love reading your blogs because they speak to me each time.
Yes Laurel. Fasting from tv, no problem for me either, fasting from meetin' up with the gals in the blogosphere... much harder! I think I remember reading you writing about your aha moment in this department too, when I first started reading your blog... back then I was just brand new to the blogging world and didn't spend much time anywhere. Now that I have been exposed to so many wonderful people (like you) I enjoy my little forays into the blogosphere and need to be more careful about monitoring my time here (pardon the pun!). Thanks so much for dropping over and sharing!
Dawn, I *so* understand what you are saying (and not saying) here. I also have my "motherloads" from a disfunctional past that have contributed to forming me in both good ways and bad. I also understand about wanting to but not wanting to share, for fear of hurting or dishonoring a family member, this is a daily part of my life as well. I will pray for you, and for me that we will experience continuous healing, awakening and growth. I'm so glad you felt at home enough to bare your soul here. (((Hugs))).
(and thank you for that last little comment about the pictures, it makes me feel "seen" and "known" in a special way.) I took some great shots today, they'll be coming your way ;-)
Mitzi, I am a very weird blogger. I don't sit down and write a well thought out post once a day. I usually have most of my blog entries on the go all week, and just open them up and jot down my thoughts when they come spluttering to the surface of these tumultous waters otherwise known as my brain waves.
My computer happens to be in the most passed by location in the house (I pass by it going most anywhere, not sure if this is a pro or a con), so I often sit down for just 5 min's (okay, so it's often 10 or 15, it's *supposed* to be 5 minutes!) here and there through the day to "take a breather".
Now that blogger has the option to post date blog entries, I can start an entry anytime and just schedule it to post at a later date. So if you see a blog entry published in my feed for 4 am, rest assured I am sound asleep in my bed while blogger does it's business =)
I think I have time to blog because it has taken the place of other past times I used to enjoy. I used to read voraciously, now that I am reading voraciously to my children, I don't much feel like reading when they go to bed, so I write.... I also don't watch tv (besides LOST that is!) and Prairie Guy will often be watching something to unwind in the evening and I will come here and unwind.
We are also blessed that Prairie Guy gets off work at 4:15 and works 10 min's from home, with every weekend and second friday off, so we have lots of time together and still have our "own" time to pursue our "own" interests.
This is an area I too need to work on, my computer really did not use to be a problem until I started blogging, but as many have found, it can be very addictive.
Thanks for being honest with all of us out here in "blogworld", when we know others are struggling in areas we also struggle in it helps to know that others are coming alongside you to overcome the same struggles.
And I too as so thankful for the post dated entries, they are wonderful!
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