My Mini Mount Moriah Moment.

And when I say mini, I really mean mini. Oh and for the record, this will probably fall under preposterous for the majority of you, but this is me, and preposterous is just part and parcel of my personality. Alrighty then. Moving right along....

I had that moment of conviction back after the father's day weekend, you know the one. Cigarettes-Bad-Coffee-Good-Hello-What's the dif-moment. While that experience woke me up to my position of Mrs. Log-in-eye judging Mr. Speck-in-eye, it took me a good month before I really got up the gumption to face my log. Y'all followed me through that little journey. Recognition that coffee was an addiction and that it definitely fit the bill of something I "desired excessively" which is just another definition for idolatry.

So I, in my normal fashion of severe extremity, quit caffeine cold turkey and thought I might die of a migraine and fatigue doing it. As I progressed in my thoughts and dealings with God I knew it wasn't about the coffee, it was about my being mastered by it. Breaking the chain that tied me to the cup gave me a sense of freedom, and energy, that I never did get from the cups and cups of caffeine I drank habitually day in and day out. And being the black-and-white-first born-perfectionist-quasi obsessive compulsive kinda girl that I am of course caffeine went from being my liquid friend to the devil in disguise in my mind. (I fore-warned you of the preposterousness aspect if you recall). Anyhoo...... I set my boundaries and stuck to them. I was not going to make caffeinated coffee for myself at home ( I didn't have any in the house for 2 weeks) but would accept a cup socially if I was out. This worked well. I now have caffeine in my home for when the "girls" come over, and I even bought a coffee grinder so that I can be a *good* friend to my dear Berry Girl who doesn't enjoy the pre-ground stuff. But I am still not making caffeinated coffee for myself at home. I want to be able to enjoy a cup here and there, but not be roped back in to *needing* it, or desiring it excessively.

Now that it has been a month, I have some clearer insight on the whole experience. I've come to see this as my kind of first real experience of "fasting". A spiritual discipline I have never exercised before. It amazes me how when I "fasted" from this silly black powder, somehow my sense of awareness was heightened. I don't even know how to put it into words, but there was something almost euphoric about getting out of the "de-tox" state and feeling like my energy level both physically, mentally and emotionally just sky rocketed. Not only that. Hashing through my dependency, and conversing with God about my blindness was so spiritually enriching. It was like a curtain came down that allowed me to sense Him in an even more real and present fashion.

Now, here's the interesting part. At least I find it interesting, you on the other hand will most likely still find it preposterous, but "whatehver" (said in my best Valley Girl accent). So, two months ago I feel God convicting me of an addiction that was no different from smoking (something I harbor a spirit of judgementalism toward). One month ago I finally suck it up and say, "You're right God. What do you want me to do about it?" and promptly feel that I should break ties with the powder. Lay it on the altar if you will. So I did. Cause I'm that kind of girl. I go out with a bang, and like the feel of zero to sixty. But here's the funny thing. I lose the powder. Figuratively hold my coffee pot over the stone of the altar if you will, more than willing to smash it to smithereens when, wait a second. Do you hear that? What's that voice saying to me? Well, okay, not a voice, but what is this I'm feeling inside?

"It's not the coffee."

"huh?"

"It's not the coffee."

"What do you mean it's not the coffee? You told me I was excessively devoted to the coffee."

"Yes. That's what I told you."

"So that makes it about the coffee."

"No."

"Well.....? What *is* this about if not about the coffee?"

"Your will."

"My will? Or Your will?"

"Both. Your will surrendering to My will. "

"Yes Lord, that's why I ditched the coffee... because I thought it was Your will."

"No. My will, was for your will to be submissive and responsive and surrendered to My will."

"Yes Lord. That's my desire, to be submissive and responsive and surrendered to Your will. Which was that I ditch the coffee."

"No."

"Huh? >sigh<. I'm really not following."

And then I get this visual of Abraham and Isaac on Mount Moriah. God's will was not for Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. God's will was for Abraham to surrender his will. Period. The moment of truth revealed that God's will had nothing to do with sacrifice, but everything to do with surrender.

And now somehow the thought of a cup of coffee with my quiet time is no longer acquainted with the image of an idol in my head. Why? Because it's not my master. It doesn't have a hold on me. Enjoying a cup of coffee is no different from enjoying a glass of lemonade, or ice water. It went on the altar when He asked me to take it there. And in the moment of truth He looks at me with fatherly affection and says "Now I know....."