I'm processing alot of stuff right now. About myself, about issues, about life. It's hard (heart) work. I know God has made me the way I am (read intense). I know I fit into His diverse and multifunctional body in my own special and different way. I know that I need to learn how to walk more gracefully in these spiritual boots that I'm breaking in. Surely I need to learn to gauge my steps. I can proceed with extreme caution for a long time, but then when it comes time to speak, I tend to lay it all on the pavement, point by excruciatingly analytical point, pouring out words that come easily to me, that are not emotionally charged, but merely abstract conclusions built around heavenly ideals. This is to my detriment and the detriment of those in my general vicinity. It's all natural to me, a part of my every day thought processes. It's the way my brain ticks. But the river of words that hold no emotion for me, become a steamroller that mentally and/or emotionally flattens unsuspecting companions on my journey.
And then I stand there shocked. That hurt? But... I wasn't passing judgement. I was just being honest.... I only..... ugh. And then comes the moment of vulnerability where I find myself standing there in my emotional birthday suit. And then....? Then I don't know. That's where I'm at on this journey of awkward spiritual adolescence. I'm thinking then you try to look at the situation and ask how you could/should have done things differently. How much to bare? How much to share? Although it's painful to find yourself at an intersection of disagreement of personality or conviction, is it better to avoid it or will better come from it ultimately to hash through it? I lean toward the second, but in that moment of vulnerability I long to be a keep it superficial, guard your heart, keep my opinions to myself kinda gal. For the record, yes, I realize that my verb possession is see-sawing madly from one sentence to the other here, but I'm in a heart rather than a grammar place right now and don't have the energy or slightest smidgeon of desire to go back and make it all line up.
That would be the easiest way. Keep it superficial. But when did great things ever result from "easy street"? I think that true relationship involves vulnerable honesty. If not, the relationship never gets past skin deep and we both miss out on an opportunity to grow, both closer and taller. They ain't called growing pains for nothing. I'm not a skin deep kind of girl. I'm a deep waters kinda girl.
And finally, yes. I admit it. I am a hopeless idealist. I'm not sure if that is something to be ashamed of. I recognize that we live in a fallen world, that life is messy, that God is big, that His grace is sufficient. But it doesn't change the fact that I want to see His kingdom come and His will be done, in all of it's idealism. I know we can't hope to attain that in these boots, but if it's the goal, I will keep reaching for it and urging others to do so too.
Yes, I'm thankful for His grace. Yes, I need it in so many ways and as much as anyone. Yes, He is bigger than our messes. Yes, He can use even our stubborness and our mistakes, and our shortsighted human failures for His ultimate glory. He is amazing. If that's all my fumbling serves to prove to me, it's worth the lesson.
"We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see. What we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:18
17 comments:
sooooo, I just facebooked you to see how your day was yesterday. Not sure if this post is related but if so, doesn't sound like it maybe went so well.
For the record, the thing I love most about you is your transparency and your ability to "say it like it is", so to speak. Yes, I understand how this can be taken the wrong way, or result in hurt feelings. And certainly, sensitivity is required. And no one likes standing around in their "emotional birthday suits". But I love your heart and your honesty. I hope you don't change that.
Hey girlie. No, it's not related to that... well... maybe it is too now that you make the correlation. I mean, applies there too.
I don't know about "telling it like it is" so much as "telling it as I see it". And since I'm vision impaired (as are we all), maybe I should be a little bit more cautious about reading this road map called spirituality....
this "thing" about me seems to be popping up in various places, so it's obviously something I need to find my groove in. I'm up for the challenge, especially with great friends like you to encourage me on the journey.
wow sounds heavy..but even so and it goes without saying "your where HE wants you" still this post was worded so intellgent like and I'm motivated by these posts to "keep it real" and make sure I don't sound like a runaway train...you never do and that's really talented! *cyber hugs to you*
So come over and leave me some motherly advice as this "ms. know it all.." needs some suggestions ;)
http://pshelovesyou.blogspot.com/2008/09/am-i-mean.html
Oh, sweet sister! One of the reasons I love your blog so much is because of your openess and bluntness. "Spin" (aka sugar-coating or dishonesty) can be found everywhere - hollywood, the media and even within the body of Christ (prosperity Gospel, etc.). However, we are called to be speakers of the truth. And, frankly, truth often makes people uncomfortable. Certainly, there is a place for grace. Especially when dealing with babes in Christ.
The important issue, I believe is that you recognize this aspect of your personality - the personality that God created in you! This recognition along with your prayers and striving for growth will allow God to use your personality and gifting for His good.
Blessings!
I love your sweet honesty here and can understand your personality (as I look in the mirror :) I believe now though that all things can be said or given to others with kindness and compassion and gentleness...Truth (or our opinions of truth :)is not mutually exclusive from the fruit of the Spirit. I have been VERY dogmatic with my words and ideas but am now preferring to show Jesus with my life and graciousness than with my right-sounding words. And many ideals that I truly believed were "truth" I now realize were mixed with lies and legalism and self-righteousness. I am totally not saying that this is you, I am just saying that I really relate to the struggle of stating my mind and figuring it all out too...
Most relationships are more important than my ideals...and I realize that I need those differing people/opinions/thoughts because it keeps me balanced and spurs me on...choosing to stay learners together on the journey. I don't know if I made sense at all on here :) Press on, dear deep waters girl :)
I knew it. I should have folded you up, put you in my pocket, and taken you home with me when I had the chance. You are a woman who loves righteousness and purity and all the good things that God desires for the kingdom this side of heaven. Cling to it. Keep your standards high. Love the truth. People will be changed and challenged.
I bet Paul didn't feel all that well received a lot of the time.
love your honesty...as long as our hearts are in the right place, speaking the truth in love, will be Spirit driven and grace will cover our, most times, inept deliveries...I can identify with aimmee, we must beware of self-righteousness..especially when I am right, smile...
Dawn, you really hit the nail on the head. It's learning how (and in my case how much, and when) to speak the truth that seems to be my spiritual exercise of the moment.
Aimee, I knew from the first post I read on your blog that we are kindred spirits on so many levels, and each time I visit I feel elements of that again. I hear you and I fully understand, oh boy do I understand. I also had to come to grips with what legalism is, and the sin of the Pharisees that my nature is to go there and I need to focus on God's grace and patience, and longsuffering, and a gentle spirit, because those things don't come so natural to me.
Those are roads I have walked in past years, and I know that in my current stage and fumblings I have been very careful to exercise MOST the fruits of the spirit in my words and actions.... after praying through it I believe the ones I need to really focus my attention on now are PATIENCE and SELF CONTROL. Just because you say "everything" in a loving, kind, peaceful, gentle, good, etc. way, doesn't mean that it was right to say EVERYTHING. Know what I mean? Part of my daughter's dictation passage this morning was;
"The tongues of wise people *use knowledge well*. But the mouths of foolish people pour out foolish words."
I felt like it was my homework, rather than hers if you know what I mean. A divine assignment. That's where I'm at. Learning to use knowledge well. I think that means learning to exercise restraint in my case, and pray harder, love stronger, wait longer, share slower.
I think at this point everyone else has said it all so well.
I'll just add that I believe I need to be much more prayerful about my words. I have, the older I've gotten, come to understand the "terrible" power of the spoken word.
I think so much depends on who we are speaking to. Some are eager to hear and interact, others are so easily hurt and offended.
I think there are times when some things are just better left unsaid. I've been on the receiving end of someone's honesty that just hurt my heart but made her feel so much better.
There is also that verse that speaks of casting our pearls before swine. I think there are occassions when we do our best and then just leave it there.
I love the venue of our blogs because we really can just be ourselves.
I'm still working on this one. The older I get, the more carefully I guard my words....because I've made some real mistakes. There have been times when I've felt better after what I've said and left a lot of pain in my wake.
I always think of Ma Ingalls in "Little House". "Least said, soonest mended." In some cases and situations I think that is great wisdom!
I so enjoy reading your dear heart.
So so true about not saying "everything"...I really struggle with that b/c I talk and talk and talk and talk :) I have been trying to *listen* more to others and have self-restraint when I feel the torrent of words about to spew forth!!! But it's SO HARD and I fail miserably!!!! :)
I have found too though that when I read or listen to sermons or other believers that are pretty forceful and dogmatic, then I start sounding just like them.
When I surround myself with people who are grace-filled, trusting in God's sovereignty, and desire to be gentle/compassionate people, then I am more like them. I have always gravitated towards the former b/c they seemed so confident, sure, and "sold-out"...not wishy-washy. But I feel like I see the latter understanding the character and nature of God in a more real way and in a way that says "I don't understand fully but I believe" which then spills over into fruitful actions that glorify Him.
All of that to say, do you think that the book that you have been reading recently had anything to do with that interaction with another person? I am not trying to bash the book b/c I have never read it or know anything about the author, but the quotes that you gave seemed to have an underlying "angry Christian" tone and seemed somewhat condemning and works-oriented. I may be way off here, but I just thought I'd ask only b/c I really do care :)
And I love what you said "pray harder, love stronger, wait longer, share slower"...awesome, awesome words that I shall now copy into my quote book :)
Aimee, I really appreciate your thoughts. I hear you. Interesting what you are asking about the book. It is very direct, it's true. I don't feel any anger there, he has a great sense of humor. I think the quotes that stand out *to me* (the ones I record here) are the boldest and most direct and hard hitting ones. They are ten sentences from a chapter that is couched in much humor and goodheartedness so I am SURE that just reading the few quotes I pull out would give quite a scary impression of the poor fellow.
I'm the kind of person that is like "Preach it to me man. Challenge me to see how bogged down I get in worldly, humanistic, idolatrous muck. Because I do. And a good straightforward kick in the pants works with me.
As to it sounding condemning, I think there is a difference betweeen condemnation and exhortation. I think there is a difference between striving for righteousness because it's His will and instruction to us, and works based legalism. I think there's a difference between grace-based and grace-grace.
What I mean by that is that grace is AN attribute of God. It is not the ONLY attribute of God. It is not the ONLY thing He requires of us in our realtions to others.
Personally I am seeking to find a balance between the two extremes. Grace as the foundation and everything else that is built upon it, grounded in it. I do believe that God has made us "His ambassadors" and that while He is sovreign, and capable, He chooses to make His plea through human mouths. Always has. Why I don't know... but we are not to *just* pray, and *just* extend grace.
I guess it's all just more exercise for those spiritual muscles for people on both sides of the chasm. Learning to balance on the spiritual tightrope of grace and obedience and encouraging one another to do the same.
Galatians 4:6 just came to mind. I looked it up, and I know the context is our speech to unbelievers, but the same would be true I would think of our relationship with brothers and sisters in Christ, only expecting that we would be able to "up the salt" a bit in the second case. :D
"Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer every man."
I guess that sums it up much better than my disjointed processing in the last comment. He tends to do that.
Now! I have to stop talking and start working. Potato patch, here I come.
oh. just remembered something. Prairie pumpkin had a cut on his finger from playing with a knife... bad mommy I know. He thought some spilled salt on the counter was sugar and went lick it up like he usually does. The salt got in a cut. You know the rest.
I'm thinking of a million parallels. Salt is a cleansing agent, a preservative... a little bit goes a long way, stuff like that. That will keep my brain busy while I'm digging.... =D
Here is another passage that came calling in the potato patch. I think it meshes the grace/race (as in to run) marriage very well. (I was just thinking of the slow to speak, quick to listen part, in reference to myself) but then when I saw it context it was cool.
James 1:19 and following to the end of the chapter.
slow to speak, quick to listen, self controlled, abandoning evil, accept His teachings, pursuing righteousness, act don't just listen, carefully study His perfect law, continue to study it, don't forget, obey, avoid mental "religion", live out your faith, reach out to the hurting, keep yourself from the world's evil influence.
Word.
hm. Word takes on whole new meaning when used in conjunction with "His" word. I mean it's *really*.... word. =D
We do need to be careful with our words. We could all work on that. But... I have never felt that anything you have written was offensive. I enjoy finding areas in my life to improve and you have brought about some of those changes. The Lord has used this blog to strengthen my daily walk with Him. Just wanted to let you know what a blessing you are. Have a great day. Leanne
Love all your ponderings and thoughts :) I also thought about salt and as a seasoning it makes us thirsty...maybe our words are also to help create thirst?
I love the James 1 thoughts that you shared...the main thing that struck me when reading your words is that it focuses us on our own walks with the Lord not on other peoples. If I just "stay busy" doing what I am called to do, then my relationship with Jesus will be a living example to other believers and the Holy Spirit can do His work in them in His time and in His ways.
Honesty is so important. I could relate so much to your post. Right now this is where I'm at too.
I want to share from my heart and truly love others for sharing from theirs. No barriers, no judgments.
Beautiful Post :0)
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